It’s been a while since I posted on here. Not only was I taken off vyvanse, but I also went back to school and work and I really never had the time or motivation to write up a blog. I took a vyvanse today for the first time in months and I feel incredible. Everything is so clear. Everything I’ve needed to do in the past few months has become so goddamn apparent it’s unreal. I have no idea why the doctors took me off of it. I haven’t written music in over 10 years but I cranked out two songs in a matter of an hour just now. My mind is working this well despite the fact that I’ve had a sinus infection and allergies the past few days, which had been making me feel even more cloudy. I’m gonna post what I wrote (the lyrics anyway). It will probably be a while before I can get a group together to record the songs.


More harmful than tobacco? Maybe in high, short term doses. But not low dose chronic use.

I took one 40 mg Vyvanse (lisdextramfetamine) capsule at 2 pm today as prescribed by my psychiatrist; I drank one large coffee from Dunkin and one sugar free AMP energy drink throughout the day. I was energetic, sociable, and I had a clear mind. A mild form of being “high” on this combination of stimulants by some legal and psychological definitions, you could end up in drug court without a prescription for the Vyvanse. Did all of my Christmas shopping in under 6 hours. Went to the bar with my friends, had 3 drinks. Had a great time without even catching a buzz. Still going strong, no longer “high.” Just awake. I haven’t had a major mood swing all day. The only bad thing is that it’s closing in on  6 am and I can’t sleep.

At the bar, I was still “high” by the aforementioned definitions. No one knew. I mean, who would? I might have been a little more talkative than normal, but that comes with alcohol too. I was sitting still, making eye contact and holding an intelligent conversation. Most importantly, I wasn’t checking my phone every 2 seconds like 90% of Americans my age do.  I was euphoric, but not because of the alcohol. I operated a vehicle without issue and I was probably even better at driving due to my increased wakefulness and focus (in no way do I encourage drinking and driving, but I think 3 drinks over 2 hours is pretty damn safe).

The euphoria associated with Vyvanse or any other amphetamine (I’m not including include methamphetamine, that’s a whole different animal from what I’m talking about) is often the only criteria needed to deem someone “high.” For a person with a mood disorder like me, one who is experiencing some level of depression 90% of the time, how do I know that euphoria isn’t what normal, happy people feel? Subjectively, meaning from my own perspective, I was high based on how I normally feel.  For a person without a mood disorder, what do they feel, subjectively? Do they feel what I do, or does their normal happy state increase even more, to an even more enhanced sense of euphoria and an increase in their focus? For an extrovert, are they even more sociable than normal? Is there a way to view the effects of not just this drug, but any drug objectively rather than subjectively? I doubt it. Only the person under the influence truly knows how the drug effects him. Personal perceptions of reality can’t be quantized like heart rate can. If my normal mood isn’t the same as yours, my mood on the same dose of the same drug cannot possibly be the same as yours.

Vyvanse is prescribed for ADHD and works on the brain the same way as Adderall but is chemically designed to last longer and much harder to abuse. It is currently being studies clinically for treatment of Major Depressive Disorder (I was prescribed it during a Major Depressive phase), certain aspects of Schizophrenia, people with binge eating disorders and excess fatigue.

Like any amphetamine, Vyvanse increases wakefullness and attention while it decreases appetite. I’ve never experienced any negative side effects, and neither has anyone else I know of that has taken it, prescribed or not. Many of my classmates take it to study, and some take it to party. When taken as prescribed (basically in low, healthy doses) Vyvanse also has a low risk for dependency compared to other amphetamine.

This drug has helped me tremendously. To me I’m high, but to most I’m just normal. I’m not impaired in any way, I’m just functioning as I should and that is what the pill is meant for. When I’m in a hypomanic episode, I don’t need the stuff. But most days I do.

I think Vyvanse has a lot of potential if it can be prescribed to the right people. If humans weren’t so goddamn selfish and indulging pure amphetamine could be useful to society. Unfortunately, people have abused it in its current prescription form as recreational drug, which is why it is a Schedule II drug in the United States.

In a perfect world, I would want to see amphetamines treated the way marijuana is in most states. Decriminalize it up to a certain amount. Make the possession of a few Adderall a traffic ticket, not a crime. While being slightly more harmful than alcohol physically, amphetamines carry a lower risk for dependence (again, not counting methamphetamine–I would never want to see that decriminalized or legalized).  If we could learn to control ourselves, it could greatly benefit our society in many ways.

Who am I kidding? Amphetamine is a bad word in America; it’s stigmatized just like, and partially due to, meth (which is actually available as a prescription, but dangerous as a street drug). I don’t want to see it treated like pot. Not in this grossly imperfect world we live in.

I guess I just want everyone to know that there are some of us who DO use amphetamines to get high, though it’s just not your definition of high. In my case, it’s legal. It stabilizes my mood and negates my ADHD. It helps me function just like the rest of you, you judgmental fucks.

On a side note, I’m happy the world hasn’t ended! Fucking Mayans.

I love looking on Facebook and seeing a picture of a girl with her tits out, uploaded by herself. All I can think is, “you’re not a whore.” Nope, not at all. Some really classy, respectable guy is definitely going to find that attractive and classy so he’l probably ask you out in the comment box. But it’s not going to be me.

Maybe I should start posting pictures of a bulge in my sweatpants. Maybe I’ll find a respectable girl to ask me out or at least say “nice junk.” Good thing I’m less perverted and have better morals than that.

Ridiculous. Wanna impress a real guy? Post a picture of your college transcript. That’s where A, B, C or D really matters.


I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have an awful taste in women. I’ve dated an ugly psycho, a hot psycho, a ditzy bartender and a hippie. Granted, some might assume I’m psycho, but any crazy thoughts I have I generally keep to myself and don’t project them upon others unless I am very intoxicated, but who doesn’t do that when they’re drunk? Anyways, none of these women are my type! None of them were intelligent and few were athletic. I’m a chemist and I play hockey. A jock that actually uses his brain more than his braun, but still uses the latter only when necessary. The current woman I’m interested in has no interest in me and I know it. An attractive athlete, but no brain. So why do I think this is a good idea? I can’t explain myself at all. I could easily be dating a future nurse anesthetist or a future veterinarian (and both are attractive), but for some reason knowing I could have them makes me uninterested. Men like variety and we love the chase. I usually think pretty rationally, yet when it comes to women I seem to enjoy my own self-destruction through completely irrational behavior. I guess i can rationalize it to myself as pushing my limits, seeing if I can have something just because someone told me I couldn’t. I’m an idiot. I’ve become a lot better at regulating my emotions in other aspects, but when it comes to women, I have no control.

Fuck it, might as well stay single. My bank account and sanity are better off that way

Some might say I had better luck than someone born in the inner city. He does not stand a chance compared to me, to make it as far as I can, given our starting resources. That is completely untrue. Based on statistics, that may be true. To those who were born with less, do you want to be a statistic? Or do you want to rise above and create a better environment for your future, your children’s future? We create our own luck. We can work hard to help ourselves and help others, in turn creating a better environment for everyone. We should strive to thrive instead of striving to survive. In the process, do not screw over your fellow Americans while pursuing life, liberty, and equality–unless you want to perpetuate the society we live in. Kennedy asked what we could do for our country. It’s about time we answered.

            Though the topics of gun control and mental illness sparked this insight into American society, and thy shed light on a larger issue. That issue is that we as a society are not doing enough for each other. Firearms are not going away. We need to change the way we view them, to not only show the younger generations, but also ourselves how they can be used for sport and for good as a deterrent against evil. We need to remove the stigma around mental illness and accept it as an issue that affects a wide range of people. Ask a stranger how they’re doing. Be that guy in the middle of Times Square with the “free hugs” sign. That’s all it takes, a little compassion and an effort towards showing each other that we are equal and that life is worth living. Even people with schizophrenia can become highly functioning members of society with the right treatment. The problem lies within us. The problem lies within the murderers, thieves, rapists, and other criminals that give in to their own selfish desires for their own benefit. If we can look inside and deny our own selfish desires, we can stop producing these types of people. A few will slip through the cracks; this is inevitable. Nothing will change in our lifetime. If you want real change in your own community, change for the future, there is a way. Follow the Golden Rule and treat others as you expect to be treated. Be a man for others. While these are Christian values, it is not necessarily part of being Christian. It is part of being human.

            Surprisingly, my final thought to leave you with comes from Frank Costello, Jack Nicholson’s character in The Departed(2006).


            “I don’t want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me.”


            So America, do you want to be a product of your environment, or do you want your environment to be a product of you?

It is time we stop asking ourselves what the government is going to do to stop our problems. Christians describe their God as omniscient, omnipresent and eternal. The Federal government has the NSA, CIA and FBI, along with many other intelligence agencies. They could tear your life apart in weeks and know every major detail about it, down to your shoe size. This sounds pretty close to omniscient to me. Manifestations of the government are everywhere, and close to omnipresent: roads, street lights, and all other infrastructure to start. While the government is not eternal, it has been around for our entire lives and most likely will be until we die. We submit ourselves to its laws and live in fear of them, in fear of incarceration. This sounds a lot like hell to m—anyway. We pay our taxes to this higher power without question. This is one hell of a bold statement, but I am going to say it: The United States Government, to some degree, is no different from any religion. If you believe the people at the top are truly interested in your own best interest, you are out of your mind.

They are all crooked; I do not trust a single politician with a law degree.  Would you let a lawyer give you advice on how to handle your retirement fund? To design a model for government health care? To tell you he knows best when it comes to creating jobs? Why do we entrust politicians with these tasks, rather than the financial advisors, doctors or entrepreneurs? And why would a lawyer want a position he is not trained for? Greed. Personal gain. Fame. Sex. Low Self-Esteem. Nobody becomes a politician because they actually want to help people, or do what is in the best interest of the country. They are trying to get elected and re-elected based on what they think people want, then go dick around and argue with each other without actually accomplishing anything important. I do not know how to fix the political system, and there is no immediate answer to fixing it. Changing the way the structure of government and how it operates will take time, but we all need to come together to light the fire our country so desperately needs.

There’s a brief description on how the Christian religion has evolved. Ok, so what? Our government, our society acts in the same way. It all started with the Puritans. The Puritans left England because they were being persecuted for their religious beliefs, and wanted to form their own society where they could practice freely. Great, good for the Puritans. They started the movement to colonize America, yet they also managed to begin a trend that has perpetuated throughout our culture since its inception, when the Mayflower landed on Plymouth Rock. They were intolerant of the Native Americans. They called them savages, and looked down upon them because they did not believe in God. They were different, God forbid. As time went on the overall ideology of the Colonies had changed drastically. They abhorred the institution of the English Monarchy and that the Church of England was intertwined with the government. First, the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, stating that all men were created equal and had equal rights, handed down by God. After the war, they drafted our Constitution. They made sure to include a provision mandating the separation of church and state, so that the government could not use the fear-of-god tactic to extort money from those who believed in him. They believed in freedom, but freedom came with a responsibility, the responsibility to contribute to society and make it a better place for others. The most notable movements throughout history include the abolition of slavery, the women’s rights movement and the black civil rights movement. As mentioned earlier, the gay rights movement has been a current shift in equality that is encouraging. If it can gain momentum, a movement for mental health patients may also be starting, though I doubt it.

There are plenty of discouraging events in recent history that concern me in our quest for equality. Occupy Wall Street? Are you kidding me? I was born with a lot of advantages that most people were not. House in the suburbs, good parents, good upbringing, I had it all. People like my parents are looked down upon sometimes, it seems. Because they have good jobs? Because we have money? My parents were both first generation college graduates for their respective families. My father’s parents were working class; he had nothing handed to him on a silver platter. My mother’s parents were Ukrainian immigrants with no formal education; their family worked their way up from absolutely nothing. They got to where they were from hard work—they never took advantage of anyone. Neither of them have ever been convicted of a crime and I have never seen them break a law. They pay their taxes on time and contribute a lot to society, including two children with the same values they have. They did their part, the rest of us need to do ours.

For those that were born with less, do not be discouraged. This is still America and there are plenty of ways to advance yourself and improve the society we live in. There are people that want to help you, and there are others who want to drag you down. Learn to discern between the two. Our class system, our financial institutions, and our government are all obstacles toward achieving equality. It is not going to change in a day; it is not going to change through legislation. Our President is preaching “Change.” Laws will always be broken as long as they are in place. I think the hippies had a good concept of communal living, to a certain extent. I do not think sitting around smoking weed all day without bathing is the correct way to live. But the idea that we could all live as one, interdependent society where there are no written laws is an incredible concept, though highly unrealistic.